Remember

Those dreams,

Those spirits,

Don't ever anyone or anything burry them

Abang

When I was a child, in a state of 39° fever, I have hilarious delirious that me and my family never forget. At that time, I wake up and shambeling around my home, whispering a sentence my family could not understand.

"Mana abang?"

None of them replied the question. All I seen was just a confused expression on their face. But I keep asking. Tears start to fall. I told them; "Mana abang? Mia kangen".

They were all laughing. My mother never give a birth to a boy, how the hell the youngest daughter insist asking "mana abang?"

No matter how silly it was, I still remember how it feels to have an Abang.

Guess what? I found it. I found my lost imaginary Abang that I've been longing for a dozen year ago. Someone that made me feels being protected and understood, and safe and sound, and be loved.

Happy Ied, Abang. Thank you for finally coming to my life. May Allah guide us to always be a better person :)

Nothing closer then the heart itself

Hola sister, don't be sad.

I'll still call you tho, and indeed pray for you, wishing you have a great life and stay positive. Don't ever let those negative thought consume you. You know that I always proud of being your sister. I told everyone that I have an angel-hearted sister named La Nashia Baraqbah. For me you are a blessing one in my life.

We might not stay under the same roof anymore, but nothing closer then the heart itself :)

Detachment (Tuesday with Morrie)

This is my favorite part:

Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... 

But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. 

If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heard even, you experience them fully and completely, that's how you are able to leave it..." Morrie

God blessed me (a lot!)

Belakangan Allah lagi seneng senengnya nunjukkin ke gue kalo semua hal buruk yang terjadi sepasca gue lulus kuliah itu memang merupakan cara Allah melindungi gue dari takdir yang tidak baik. It's a wrap, career, love-life, spiritual matters, etc. 

Di aspek karir, gue berkali kali gagal apply berbagai law firm top tire padahal effortnya udah super maksimal. Memang moms maunya gw apply hakim dan cuman hakim, she hated me being a lawyer (due to its working hours). Ada kali gue apply 35 law firm, dan cuman dapet satu offering letter, itupun gajinya gak menarik (so gue lepas). Dititik nadir gue hopeless dan mempertanyakan kapabilitas diri, Allah kasih jawaban. Ada rekrutmen hakim tahun 2017 kemarin dan voilaa, I got accepted. Rekrutmen hakimnya ini sendiri terakhir dibuka tahun 2007 (CMIWW), so it has been 10 years, jadi memang yang minat banyak banget. Lucky me masih nyangkut keterima wkwk. Baru seminggu lalu keluarlah informasi mengenai penempatan pertama gue. Bagi banyak orang, penempatan pertama gue (sebuah kabupaten kecil di Sumatera) itu tempat yang gak bagus dan banyak hal hal yang dikeluhkan warganya such as: air bersih susah, listrik sering padam, dan jalanan sering ambles. They even questioning myself: kook happy banget cam? Seriouslyy guuuys, should I suudzon to God after everything he gave to me? I truly believe Allah kasih suatu kejutan manis disana. I just can't wait for His future plan. Xixi

Di aspek love-life, ugh! Kayaknya kehidupan percintaan gue baru ramai sejak tahun 2015 dan makin berwarna ditahun 2016 akhir sampe 2017 akhir. Banyak dramanya, banyak patah hatinya juga. Tapi setiap habis patah hati, Allah langsung tunjukkin deh tuh kalo emang orang orang yang dekat itu sebetulnya gak baik buat gw dan hanya akan membuat hidup gw tidak bahagia. Allah revealed something hidden dari setiap orang orang tersebut dan jadilah gw paham apa maksudNya menjauhkan gw dari mereka. 

Di aspek spiritual matters, ini ada kaitannya dengan love life sih. Tentunya Allah gak mempertemukan kita dengan orang hanya untuk sesuatu yang sia-sia. Salah satu dari yang Allah kirim ke gue itu beneran bikin gw jadi find the way how to be closer to God. Jadilah gw rutin ikut pengajian seorang ustadzah inspiring, tadinya kan cuman tau Liqo dan abis kuliah pun udah gak liqo lagi fufu. 

Ya begitulah kira kira. Jangan lupa berdoa supaya Allah terus bimbing kita bahkan dari diri sendiri. Jangan lupa juga khusnudzon dan bersyukur sama Allah, kalau kata Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyya, kalau manusia tau bahwa seluruh plan hidup kita itu terjadi karena kasih sayang Allah yang sebegitu besarnya, kita pasti bakal melting karena ada yang mencintai kita sebegitu besarnya. 

Longing for Someone

Have you ever felt the pain of having someone you've known forever, but time to time you realized that you cannot recognized them anymore?

So all the things to do is just bring back the memories and swallow the truth that they are now a different person with they were past few years. They are exist. But now they are strangers.